Day 52: Children

(Kiwanis Junior Parade, Astoria Regatta)

Children are okay--in the way that religion and vivisection are okay--for some people.

I am not convinced they are okay for me, although, if I were to ever have a child (singular) or children (plural), I hope that I would like them.

And if I ever have a child, I hope it would conform to the following:

1. Be either male or female.
2. Look mostly like THIS:



3. And will have slightly more hair when in its infancy:



My child will not be allowed to be afraid of kind female reporters who are being forced to cover parades for the local newspaper. My child will smile for kind female reporters and consent to be photographed while doing something especially adorable and winsome. My child will not look like it is being tortured and proceed to burst into tears as this only distresses kind female reporters and makes them hate their jobs and themselves.

My child shall not listen to Mozart as I believe Mozart's music constricts the blood vessels.

My child shall be allowed to run around in only a diaper and will be allowed to do so often.

My child will not ask impertinent questions at dinner parties under the guise of being cute (which my child certainly will be, albeit in a large-nosed, Polish way).

My child will be expected to work at an early age and only my youngest child will ever be given an allowance for completing chores. This will give the oldest child something to be bitter about for years to come. Oldest children should always have something trivial to be bitter about. They are happier that way.

My child will not thwart my plans to be a cute pregnant person.

My child will not bear a ridiculous name, an excessively flowery name, an overly literary name (King Lear, Gandalf, anything from "Dune", Watson, etc.) a Puritan name (no Batholemu Goodwill-God's-Son-Devout-Manly-Man X, or Mary Chastity-Modesty-Patience-Piety-Forebearance X, although Humble-fun may be considered a valid name, mostly for memory and amusement's sake). My child will, under no circumstance, be named Jeff--I apologize to any Jeffs who may or may not be reading this. It's not you, it's me. Also no Geoffs. That's cheating.

My child will be given heavily frosted cupcakes while a toddler and will be expected to devour them as messily as possible so that I have photos to smile over in my declining years.

My child will play with plastic dinosaurs, sharks, narwhals, and jungle animal toys.

My child will jump off hills, trees and swings, but not ladders, cliffs or housetops.

My child will eat ants at least twice because experiences like that build character and ants taste like lemon.

My child will kill spiders and moths, or swiftly and cunningly release them into the wild before I find them.

My child will not wear very much pink.

My child will not be subtle, creepy, and intelligent. It will be obvious, comfortable, smart, and have thumbs.

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Here's my last EDP story, Rachele Schuyler, which (ho ho) was yesterday's #1 viewed story.