against childhood

When established older writers get all cranky about kids who are self-publishing novels (a new trend, I hear), I remember when my younger brothers were allowed to see movies that, up until then, only L. and I had been able to watch because we were older (not because, as we assumed and argued, we alone deserved to watch them). I felt disinherited and debated like a member of Parliament arguing for continued colonial presence in angry foreign countries. So, in a similar pattern, the adult writers go on and on about how true publishing (through a publishing house, with agents and editors and titles you don't like or want slapped on your book) is a trial by fire, a study in adversity and perseverance, and you come out refined and burnished like gold. Which is why these traditionally published authors are such noble wonderful people. Self-publishing, especially by dewy and innocent children (has no one read "Lord of the Flies" recently or visited a school playground?), misses the point and is only for the lazy, the passive aggressive and the unsuccessful. Or something. I think the traditionally published authors are just jealous and don't want these upstarts mucking around "where they don't belong" so they do the older sibling thing and try to invalidate whatever the younger sibling is doing and hold tight to what they see as their exclusive domain.

You could argue (and the established authors do) that a kid hasn't done the sort of living you need to do to write a truly good book. Therefore what they write shouldn't be published. The characters and stories will likely be one-dimensional spin-offs with lots of cliches. Good thing that never happens in books written by adults and published through publishing houses. Only quality is allowed there.

Age-discrimination is making me angry apparently today.

And related: The lady who wrote "Tuck Everlasting" argues against talking down to children and writing insipid books for children. Children become people early in life, she said in an interview on NPR. We're always asking children what they want to be when they grow up, she said. We should ask them who they are right now.

I was reading a satirical article about writing the great American novel and the writer was begging future authors to stop writing children's books if they themselves are no longer children.

"You can follow them around and put their clothes on and roll around with their Transformers and I’m still pretty sure there’s just no way you’ll even begin to comprehend what it’s like to be a kid," he writes.

Day 52: Children

(Kiwanis Junior Parade, Astoria Regatta)

Children are okay--in the way that religion and vivisection are okay--for some people.

I am not convinced they are okay for me, although, if I were to ever have a child (singular) or children (plural), I hope that I would like them.

And if I ever have a child, I hope it would conform to the following:

1. Be either male or female.
2. Look mostly like THIS:



3. And will have slightly more hair when in its infancy:



My child will not be allowed to be afraid of kind female reporters who are being forced to cover parades for the local newspaper. My child will smile for kind female reporters and consent to be photographed while doing something especially adorable and winsome. My child will not look like it is being tortured and proceed to burst into tears as this only distresses kind female reporters and makes them hate their jobs and themselves.

My child shall not listen to Mozart as I believe Mozart's music constricts the blood vessels.

My child shall be allowed to run around in only a diaper and will be allowed to do so often.

My child will not ask impertinent questions at dinner parties under the guise of being cute (which my child certainly will be, albeit in a large-nosed, Polish way).

My child will be expected to work at an early age and only my youngest child will ever be given an allowance for completing chores. This will give the oldest child something to be bitter about for years to come. Oldest children should always have something trivial to be bitter about. They are happier that way.

My child will not thwart my plans to be a cute pregnant person.

My child will not bear a ridiculous name, an excessively flowery name, an overly literary name (King Lear, Gandalf, anything from "Dune", Watson, etc.) a Puritan name (no Batholemu Goodwill-God's-Son-Devout-Manly-Man X, or Mary Chastity-Modesty-Patience-Piety-Forebearance X, although Humble-fun may be considered a valid name, mostly for memory and amusement's sake). My child will, under no circumstance, be named Jeff--I apologize to any Jeffs who may or may not be reading this. It's not you, it's me. Also no Geoffs. That's cheating.

My child will be given heavily frosted cupcakes while a toddler and will be expected to devour them as messily as possible so that I have photos to smile over in my declining years.

My child will play with plastic dinosaurs, sharks, narwhals, and jungle animal toys.

My child will jump off hills, trees and swings, but not ladders, cliffs or housetops.

My child will eat ants at least twice because experiences like that build character and ants taste like lemon.

My child will kill spiders and moths, or swiftly and cunningly release them into the wild before I find them.

My child will not wear very much pink.

My child will not be subtle, creepy, and intelligent. It will be obvious, comfortable, smart, and have thumbs.

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Here's my last EDP story, Rachele Schuyler, which (ho ho) was yesterday's #1 viewed story.